I'm keeping my door locked. I need some time alone. Some time to think.

I beg of you not to interrupt me....I need to figure things out on my own.


[Private]
It happened again. I feel nauseated constantly. I should just keep the trashcan with me at all times.

I've locked my door. I can't stand to be seen like this. I can't stop shaking. Maybe it's the lack of food..No..it's not that. I know what it is. I'm a rapist....I raped him.

I can't stop thinking about it..and every time his face comes into my mind, I tend to find myself over the trashcan again, smelling this horrid, sickly smell that won't go away.

The smell is part of me...I know I can't leave it..because I should work to endure myself. I know if I can't do that, I will surely go insane.

I raped him.

I raped him and I have yet to truly figure out why.

Everyone keeps saying it was my obsession..My obsession.

I do have an obsession with him...but I'm beginning to question the nature of it.

I wanted him dead..and yet, at the same time, I didn't. I knew I didn't. I respected him more than anyone else I knew...maybe even more than my father. No, I know I respected him more than my father...The fact I would even question if Matsuda was talking about my father during my last moments proves that.

L never strayed from my mind. I always knew who L was. He was always there. Near and Mello, despite their combined efforts finally pulling me down...could never relate to L. Neither of them, even together, were as good as L.

But I pulled L down...In the worst of ways.

I ruined the only person I ever truly respected....I ruined him.

Oh, god.....What came over me? Why didn't I think things through?

I'm horrible..and guilty....

Kira should have killed me..Not Ryuk.

No...L should have...It should have been the other way around...I should have died that day...

Then this wouldn't have happened. Because, at least back then, I had some shred of sanity left in me.

I deserve to take any revenge L puts on me.

I'm sorry, Luke.

No...you would hate to hear me say that name..It's too intimate.

I'm sorry, L. Ryuzaki. Ryuga. L.
[/Private]